So, trey is doing well today. The doctors have increased his food from 2ml-4-5 and hopefully to 6ml by tomorrow. He has yet to give us that first glorious poo...LOL. His billi level was high so they put him under lights and it has dropped and hopefully by my visit tomorrow he will be off the lights.
I love seeing him and just starring at his beautiful "old man" face. They assume that in the next few days I will be able to hold him..not for too long but at least I will get to hold him in my arms. It is so frustrating not to hold him and kiss his face. I know it is the best for now but it still hurts.
Today, has been rough for me. It started out great and then I went to see him with my husband. I was so sad when we left. I felt like I left my heart behind. So, I went home and straight to the bathroom to cry it out. I asked my husband to cook dinner and laid in bed. I can't help but be mad at myself and wonder what I did wrong. I know I shouldn't think that way but I can't help it. I feel like I am just peices of a person. My husband came in to the bedroom and I know with the best intentions but he just said all the wrong things. I just sat there and let him talk...I don't feel like there is any reason to try to expain myself to anyone right now. He said to me you can't do this to yourself and get all worked up. He said it wasn't fair to Trey or him. Trust me this is the short of it and it sounds much colder then it was. He is just trying to get me out of a funk and I get it but at the same time what I really need is for him to say...cry if you want, scream yell be mad it is all okay and I understand....I feel like everyone wants me to put on this brave face and I can't for too much longer and we still have a long way to go. So, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I can attempt to find someway to express this to him and Trey will continue to do better and better. I miss him so very much and I feel like I am missing importaint bonding time with him. I am afaird that he won't know who I am or reconize my smell. I guess I have alot of things running through my mind fears, hopes dreams and prayers.
I love seeing him and just starring at his beautiful "old man" face. They assume that in the next few days I will be able to hold him..not for too long but at least I will get to hold him in my arms. It is so frustrating not to hold him and kiss his face. I know it is the best for now but it still hurts.
Today, has been rough for me. It started out great and then I went to see him with my husband. I was so sad when we left. I felt like I left my heart behind. So, I went home and straight to the bathroom to cry it out. I asked my husband to cook dinner and laid in bed. I can't help but be mad at myself and wonder what I did wrong. I know I shouldn't think that way but I can't help it. I feel like I am just peices of a person. My husband came in to the bedroom and I know with the best intentions but he just said all the wrong things. I just sat there and let him talk...I don't feel like there is any reason to try to expain myself to anyone right now. He said to me you can't do this to yourself and get all worked up. He said it wasn't fair to Trey or him. Trust me this is the short of it and it sounds much colder then it was. He is just trying to get me out of a funk and I get it but at the same time what I really need is for him to say...cry if you want, scream yell be mad it is all okay and I understand....I feel like everyone wants me to put on this brave face and I can't for too much longer and we still have a long way to go. So, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I can attempt to find someway to express this to him and Trey will continue to do better and better. I miss him so very much and I feel like I am missing importaint bonding time with him. I am afaird that he won't know who I am or reconize my smell. I guess I have alot of things running through my mind fears, hopes dreams and prayers.
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