Day #16

Today has been pretty hard for me. I miss Trey more and more as the days go by. I know that he will be home before we know it but that thought seems to do little to pick up my mood right now. When I see other women who are pregnant it just sinks my heart. It makes me think about how my baby in the hospital but he should be here with me right now, still growing inside of me. It is even worse when I see women with their healthy babies. I know that this experience will make me a better mother and wife in the long run but I really wished for a healthy pregnancy that ended in a healthy full term baby. I guess I just feel like Chris and I have been though so much already that we deserved to have a blissful experience of pregnancy and parenthood. I really tried to do everything "right" during this pregnancy. I took prenatal vitamins for 4 months before we conceived. I ate right. Kept my stress down. Never missed a prenatal appointment. In spite of all that I still find someway to blame myself for Trey's early entry and rough start. Did I physically push myself to hard sometimes? Should I not have taken the antibiotics the doctor gave me when I got sick? Did the car accident and my hips have anything to do with it? What did I do wrong? Sometimes, I feel like I already have failed as a mother. Breastfeeding is the one thing that helps me to feel like I am doing something positive for Trey. I know that I am providing him the only thing I can right now, nourishment.

Today was good at the hospital. Trey is still gaining weight and tolerating his feeds just fine. The doctors seem slightly concerned about his A&B episodes. They haven't picked up but they haven't dropped off. They decided to do a CBC to check for any infections and of course the CBC came back just fine. They decided to increase his caffeine. The nurses and I are defiantly not concerned with the A&B's he is having. They are not increasing and for the most part he pulls himself out of them.

Trey has started smiling and I have to tell you it is the cutest thing. I know that he isn't smiling with intent but it is still beyond cute. Chris and I can also tell when he is pooping and I can tell the difference between a hungry cry,mad cry or console me cry. It is the craziest thing to me to be able to know what he wants. I feel like I learned another language the second he was born and I heard him cry for the first time. I can hear his cry from across a room. I must say it is slightly irritating not to be able to just give him what he wants but I know that when he gets home this will be very useful and once he is out of the isolett I will be able to do more for him.