Day # 61

I can't beleive that I will finally have a baby home with me by the end of the month. It is hard to describe how anchious I am. I refuse to ask anyone when they think he will come home. I will know when I see the discharge nurse. I have looked at her picture many times since we began this journey and I will definatly know her when she comes by.

Trey is doing really well as usual and the fight has finally ended over what kind of nipple to bottle feed him with. I win...haha slow flow. He took a complete feed by breastfeeding today and it was great to finally have a good feeding secession with him again.

So, here are some 2mth pictures of Monkey, The nurses have placed a mirror in his bed and he LOVES it. When we got there he was just starring at himself. It was so cute.

Day #59 & # 60 2 months old today FINALLY over 6lbs

Yesterday, Trey got his two month shots and has been kinda sleepy since then. He is doing well and taking 2 bottles a day and the rest by his NG tube. I hate seeing him so sleepy and out of it but I have been told that every baby deals with shots in their own way and for him it might be sleeping it off. I weighed the decision to give him his shot pretty heavily. I spoke with several doctors and nurses. I wanted to vaccinate him but I wasn't sure if we should wait until he adjusted to 2mths old not his actual age, but we decided that when he comes home that it is best to have him vaccinated against as much as possible. Here are his stats for 1mth and 2 mth

1 months 3lbs 12Oz 16 1/2 inches long

3months 6lbs .5Oz 19 3/4 inches long

I am doing better then yesterday and even better then the day before that. I think the closer we get to Christopher's actual due date the more I morn the pregnancy and birth he and I should have had. I tell myself that he should still be inside me, safe. I feel like I have failed him and I don't even know why. We still have no clue why I delivered early and probably never will. I just wish I could have kept him safe longer. But he is doing very well and will be home by the end of this coming month and I can't wait.

Day #58 It's been a rough day

I feel so overwhelmed and stressed. To be very honest I am drained. I feel like a horrible mother and a wife right now. There isn't much logic to my emotions but that is how I feel. I hate having to use a walker and I am so sick of feeling like a burden to the people in my life. I hate that every day I wake up I am constantly reminded of the car accident and the day my life was forever changed because of one persons mistake and disregard for others. All I want is to be a happy new mommy and wife but I can't. I feel like I am living my life on pause and every time I begin to move past the terrible spot someone hits rewind and I am back in the thick of it again. I can't wait to start meds again...I know I really need them right now in order to see a ray of sunshine in this cloud that is covering my life. I really need to be out of this funk before Trey comes home. I need to be the best mommy I can be, he deserves it. I need to be the best wife I can be, Chris deserves it. I try so hard to be the best and I feel like I keep falling short...I keep trying. Maybe I put to much pressure on myself to be perfect. To have the cleanest house, most organized closets, to make straight a's in school. To be the best mother. To be the best wife. I don't know...I just need a break. I need my son to be healthy, my family to be happy and a few days with out any issues or drama. I just need a few peaceful days.